i am anakin
my family went to see star wars episode 3 tonight. (i like star wars.
don't argue with me.) you've got to give somebody props for the fact
that in this one movie, they managed to transform anakin from an
annoying two-dimensional twerp to an engaging, conflicted character.
there must have been a few people working hard on that one. despite
having known the ending for years, i still found myself hoping for
anakin. he was so gifted. he had such potential. and then he went and
blew it because he was told to wait when he wanted to move.
that was the moment where i had the most sympathy for him. he gives
the chairman-of-the-jedi-council dude the info that the chancellor is
the sith lord (hope i'm not ruining this for anyone) and he wants to
come along and be part of the clean-up, but he's told to wait. he was
exposed and vulnerable. he was betraying someone whom he had
considered a friend and mentor. and he's left standing there.
i'm feeling a little bit like that with God this week. i want to be
in ireland, i want to be doing battle and using my gifts there, and
instead i've been told to wait. and while i'm waiting, i feel like
nobody gives a shit about my gifts--in fact, that those gifts have
been harming my relationships rather than helping them. in my hot-
headed arrogance i'm mad at God for not letting me use the gifts he's
given me. why bother having gifts if you can't use them?
i know the answer to that one, but i don't really want to hear it
right now. the dark side is threatening.
posted by michelle @ 4:25 PM
11 comments
11 Comments:
Hey friend...i dont know anything about Star Wars and am very stubborn about keeping my ignorance, so your reference is not entirely clear to me, but i think i know what you're saying. Waiting is a bitch, i am never any good at it. it sucks, sorry. Is there a particular way you feel like you can use your gifts here that we can do a better job of letting you or helping you?
Lemme guess: you're in the "Christian liberty" camp with regard to language. Vulgarity to the glory of God and all that.
I here you on that one. My sentence was a minimum of three years in vancouver, probably more with options on a change of scenery in year four. Welcome to the club ;-) Personally, a good counseller to scream at is helping me through it.
hey the spelling changed woo woo
Star Wars? Ok, each to their own... Just kidding. I've never really taken to the whole Darth Vader thing, but hey.
http://mrfickle.blogspot.com
ok, i've been really awol. sorry i'm just now responding. i posted on anakin before i had really processed it--i just knew if i didn't say it soon, nothing at all would be said. but here's sort of what i was driving at:
it's not just the waiting. anakin was told to wait, and was left alone. there was no one to walk him through it; no one to say, 'anakin, this is why you were left behind and this is why that's best.' i can't quite explain it, but i resonated with the feeling of being alienated, untrusted, and alone.
and i was really struck by how anakin's arrogance was his downfall. he's got mad skills. he's a lot more gifted than obi wan. in the end he jumps--despite obi wan's warning--because he has great confidence in his power. and he's cut down. it's like the passage in corinthians about having all the gifts but not having love. i resonated with that, too, because i feel like i keep jumping based on my estimation of my gifts. and if i'm not all out cut down, i feel like i'm landing on top of my friends and squashing them.
i realize that most of you who posted aren't star wars fans, so this isn't going to make much sense. but i needed to clarify it in my own mind. i don't think it's an issue necessarily of being able to find ways to use my gifts while i'm waiting. it's more an issue of trusting that God is asking me to wait to use my gifts because he's refining my love. and so waiting and holding my tongue and wrestling with my apparent impotence is actually the best possible thing.
this was also coming out of a week of not really being that thrilled with myself. there was going to be a follow-up post called 'spam i am' but instead i think it's going to be a post on pms. give me a minute.
Michelle,
I completely identify with your post and comments. I'm just starting the fund raising process and am comfortable and patient now, but my confidence in myself and desire for this to work in MY timing will rear it's ugly head eventually.
3 more things:
1. You need more friends that like Star Wars.
2. After such an honest, raw, "this is where I'm at" post, all Andrew can think about is that you cursed while frustrated?
3. What kinds of movies do your friends actually like?
Keep it real, give both your complaints and praise to God.
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Well, he also thought that the last three Star Wars movies were some of the most clumsy, ill-conceived, miserably-acted, story-starved, artless vehicles for new age psycho-drivel and cheap special effects that Hollywood has ever put out, and he had a private chuckle at the thought of his friend identifying so well with a character whose non-sequiturs and thoroughly random dialogue he attributed purely to bad writing. But he kept that all to himself, because he figured there's no accounting for taste, and anyway Michelle said not to argue.
:)
But yes, by far the outstanding feature of the post was the implicit statement (part of an larger theme) that a Christian's life should be (or at least is) characterized by impatience and childish expressions of futile anger: that frustration is so pervasive and unaddressible in a Christian's life that even when viewed reflectively in hindsight, it must burst to the surface in language selected for the calculated effect of shocking its audience--that it *must* be given full expression--that gracious speech is either an impossibility or a lie.
But he knew it wouldn't be worth really getting into, and he'd do himself and others more harm than good by addressing it at length, so he limited himself to a little good-spirited jab (and probably should have bit his tongue even then, to curb his saving-the-world-through-rants tendencies).
pat, thanks so much for your comment. for about 8 glorious hours, you restored my faith in blogging. i actually logged on to post something again, but somehow now i'm not feeling it.
praying for you as you raise support. it's been a faith-expanding experience... really, one of the most intense and most fruitful periods of my life. may you see God's face. and i hope i see you in london in the not-too-distant future.
Just wanted to give everyone here a big apology for being critical, argumentative, and unkind. Signing off,
Andrew
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