identity crisis

so, i just need to get it out there that starting this blog has called up all sorts of insecurities for me. i wasn't really in a good place to begin with last week. but a friend was obsessing about blogs and the more we talked, the more i wanted my own. i want a forum where people have to listen to what i have to say, and talk about what i want to talk about. and, because i wasn't in a good place, i was trying to avoid support-raising anyway. so i created a blog.

bad idea. suddenly, an abundance of decisions--my personal hell. what will i name it? what will it look like? what is it going to be about? and underlying all of them was this fear of how people would view me based on all of these random decisions.

so i put everything on hold until i was in a slightly better place. well, before that i went to hosea. hosea is a good place for me when my identity is being rocked. there's all this talk about sonship. i want to be a wife. and i want to be a wife like in hosea, where she gets romanced away from her sin and brokenness. where she no longer has to sell herself and market her beauty because she has someone who's invested in making her as beautiful as she possibly can be.

that's where ruhamah came from. gomer and hosea had to name their daughter lo-ruhamah--not loved. but later God says, "i will show my love to the one i called not my loved one." and that's what this is about--me learning that i'm loved. and learning to love.

so hosea is now splattered all over the blog. and my dark cloud has lifted... for now.