perfect provision

i watched 'cat on a hot tin roof' twice this weekend. because paul newman is hot. and because it's a fantastic film. so many great themes: mendacity, disgust, crutches, love, truth, a prodigal son, the american dream. tennessee williams was a little skeptical of the american dream. there's this scene where brick and big daddy are finally having an honest conversation. the whole movie there's all this talk about how rich big daddy is and how he owns 28,000 acres of the most fertile land this side of whatever river. in this scene brick gets through to big daddy that he doesn't want his things, he wants his love.

and we all say, yes big daddy, love isn't things. because we all know that's true when we watch movies. but we still get up the next morning and go to work so that we can provide for ourselves.

provision is something that's been knocking around in my mind a lot in the last few months. it's had to be--i'm raising support. everything my life /is/ right now revolves around provision. my friend, dan, was the first one who introduced the idea that support-raising is the antithesis of the american dream. the american dream is all about independence--achieving financial independence so that you can have an independent lifestyle. depend on no one. earn everything on your own. raising support, i'm not only dependent on everyone, i'm also asking independent americans to part with what they've worked so hard to earn. it's not really a comfortable place to be.

when i started out support raising in january--not really support raising... more just having to entertain the reality of having to raise support--it took a while for me to come around to having to depend on God's provision in that way. but i did eventually. eventually i was able to say that that's what we're called to as christians anyway--we're called to dependence. support-raising is my object lesson in dependence.

and then in february, just as i was warming up to the idea of support-raising, God gave me an opportunity to quit my job and support-raise full time. dependence again. provision again. my job was my independence. it was a place where i was highly capable and competent. my paycheck gave me the freedom to do what i wanted to do. no job. no paycheck. no freedom?

but it was like God was saying, 'do you trust me to provide in this, too? do you believe that you can live freely in my provision for you?'

i quit my job at the beginning of march. i still don't really believe his provision is perfect. i don't believe he's really going to provide my support. i think i have to go out and force it out of people. i don't believe he's going to provide for me emotionally. how could the God who created the universe possibly provide a boyfriend--let alone a husband--for me? and--perhaps most ironically--i don't think he's going to provide for me spiritually. i'm on my own to feed and nurture myself.

and yet, really, i've got my own big daddy. and he's not irritable and tempermental like tennessee williams's big daddy. and he's a lot richer--he's got way more than 28,000 acres. and he doesn't want to substitute things for love, he just loves me so much that he's promised to provide for me out of his abundance. to provide completely, fully, perfectly.

why can't believe that? i can believe the american dream. but i can't believe that i'm provided for.